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| panda-like calm through fiction | |||||||||
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Goldilocks
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Goldilocks was a whore. She showed her tits to everyone. For nickles. And muffins spread with jam. One day, whoring her way through the woods, Goldilocks became lost. She came upon a lost boy in the woods named Pinocchio, who had lost his conscience and guide. “MMMnnnnhhhhhPnnnnk.” Goldie unbuttoned Pinocchio’s trousers, and sure enough, a little grasshopper jumped out- but that wasn’t all she found there. Wood, lie, growth, Jimminy, splinters.
Jimminy told her where she was, and Goldie was off. Soon she came upon a Big Black Wolf who said, “Yo, baby, I’m lookin for a fine slice of redhead name of Ridin Hood to break me off a piece of that pie, but your fine self might make for a tasty appetizer.” Goldie’s knees shook. “Wait,” she said, “if you don’t eat me, I could give you a piece of a different pie.” What big eyes you have, warm apple, dogbone, wolfhowl, glazed piecrust. Goldie was tired-hungry-thirsty from her whoring when she came upon a cabin. She tried to break in, but was caught by the neighbors, three little pigs. The oldest pig said he had the cabin’s spare key, and he would share it with her if she could help blowing his homies down low. Baconbits, huffnpuff, pork, ham sandwich, corkscrew, squeal piggie, like they were in shit. Goldie stole the extra keys from the exhausted pigs, and went inside. The owners of the home, Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear (18 at the time of this writing) arrived. They decided to “punish” Goldie for trespassing. Growl, claws, honeypot, rumbly tumbly, roar, hibernation. The 3 Bears were enamored of Goldie, and invited her to stay the night. They asked her to decide whose bed she wanted to share. She said “Papa Bear was too rough. Mama Bear was too soft. But Baby Bear was just right.” That night, Baby Bear came to bed after shaving off his Grizzly Adams moustache and, while still a hairy bastard, wasn’t that ugly; in fact, he wasn't really a bear at all, but just a really hairy bastard. And maybe a prince or a millionaire or something. Tongue, love, sploach, end. |
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